The Hunger Pains (Book)
The Hunger Pains Book Cover


The Harvard Lampoon

Cover Artist

The Harvard Lampoon


United States




Simon & Schuster

Publication Date

February 7, 2012


ISBN 1451668201

Preceded by


Followed by


The Hunger Pains is a parody book of The Hunger Games written by the Harvard Lampoon which was released on February 7, 2012. The audiobook is narrated by Joy Osmanski.


On the morning of Super Fun Day, Kantkiss Neverclean and her hunting partner Carol Handsomestein hunt a cow from beyond the fence before they participate in the selection ceremony. In District 12 this is the "nose game", in which whoever touches their fingers to their noses last becomes tributes. Her sister, Princess "Prin" Neverclean, is selected, but Kantkiss is volunteered to participate by Slimey Sue, who is trying to get revenge on Kantkiss. She is paired with Pita Malarky, the baker's son who she knows as the "Boy with the Head" due to his massive head. Pita was responsible for her first sale when she was struggling to become a telemarketer to support her family after her father was killed in an explosion at the telemarketing office. Although he bought something that her company did not carry, completing this first sale helped Kantkiss become more successful.


Hunger Games Name Hunger Pains Name Description
Katniss Everdeen Kantkiss Neverclean A clueless 17 year old girl who works as a telemarketer to support her family. She has questionable hunting skills and no friends except for Carol.
Peeta Mellark Pita Malarky An obese boy obsessed with eating known to Kantkiss as the "Boy with the Head" due to his large head. He can disguise himself as large, realistic versions of baked goods and emits the distinctive smell of a bakery.
Haymitch Abernathy Buttitch Totalapathy A gambling addict who will bet on practically anything. He has massive gambling debt and is barely helpful to his tributes, although he does teach Kantkiss how to act like a lady during the interview.
Primrose "Prim" Everdeen Princess "Prin" Neverclean Prin is quite horrible and sarcastic to Kantkiss, but her sister is too clueless to notice. She is ecstatic when Kantkiss volunteers to take her place and can otherwise care less how her sister performs.
Effie Trinket Effu Poorpeople A Capital snob who lives up to her name.
Rue Run Babyrun A six month old baby who says her first word ("ketchup") during the interview. Nonetheless she appears to be highly intelligent despite her young age.
Thresh Smash Speaks in a simplified manner and is insanely strong. He threatens to kill people until he recalls some small favor that they did for him and then calls it even.
Cato Archie Nemesis Acts like a quarterback, using a steel football that he throws as a weapon and treats the Varsity pack like a football team. One of the three co-winners of the Games because he claims to have fallen in love with Kantkiss to stop her from killing him and is spared. Unlike in the book Archie is from District 1.
Glimmer Mandy Kappagamma A blonde Valley Girl who is not sure whether or not Archie likes her.
Foxface Dogface Dies from eating rocks that Pita was gathering to make a fire pit.
Gale Hawthorne Carol Handsomestein True to his name, a handsome boy who Kantkiss is in love with and easily gets distracted by whenever they are not "hunting". His nickname for her is "Catpiss" because he misheard her the first time they met, and she had stepped in a puddle of cat urine at the time.
Cinna Cinnabon Despite being the most sympathetic member of Kantkiss' team, Cinnabon does not properly plan her outfits and has to scramble to come up with something, such as a white sheet for the chariot ride, making her a ghost, then wrapping her in toilet paper with a cooking pot on her head for the interview, making her a warrior mummy.
Coriolanus Snow Mark Bernette Has a cult of personality. Approves of Kantkiss' reasoning with the berries that she wanted to know what they tasted like.
Caesar Flickerman Jaeser Lenoman Had his chin modified by plastic surgery to make it ridiculously long. Fond of giving monologues during the interviews.
Madge Undersee Badge Underwear Has a pin stating "THE CAPITAL SUCKS", which Kantkiss convinces her to give to her.
Greasey Sae Slimey Sue Volunteers Kantkiss for the Hunger Games because she accused Sue's husband of a crime he did not commit, resulting in his execution.
Buttercup Butterball A 50 pound dog, despite being called a cat.
Lavinia Rose When Kantkiss came across Rose and her boyfriend making out in the woods during one of her hunts, she called the Pacemakers on them. Rose hates Kantkiss, who thinks that her actual name is Circle due to her cluelessness.
Delly Cartwright Dietcoke Elevatortable Pita used Dietcoke Elevatortable as a cover up name so Kantkiss didn't have to tell the truth about how she knows who the Notalks is.
Octavia Octopus One of Kantkiss's stylists. She talks in the Capital Accent
Venia Venereal One of Kantkiss's stylists. She talks in the Captial Accent and insulted the government, resulting in being dragged out of the room by Pacemakers.
Flavius Flabbiest One of Kantkiss's stylists. He talks in the Capital Accent and has no left arm because he is keeping up with the season's latest fashions.


Panem is known as Peaceland and based on the U
Peaceland Map (The Hunger Pains)
nited States. It is centered around the Capital, which is on the site of the former Disneyland. Kantkiss lives in the poorest area of District 12, the Crack. The Hob is The Nob.


There were 200 Districts before the uprising but 188 were destroyed, leaving 12 Districts behind.

District Hunger Games Industry Hunger Pains Industry/Description
1 Luxury Breeding children to dominate the Hunger Games, with a focus on sports. The tributes behave like jocks.
2 Masonry Ultimate Fighting
3 Technology Moral Qualms
6 Transportation Old Money. The tributes have been so papmered from birth that they have not had to expert themselves like normal people and are extremely weak physically.
7 Lumber District Attorney
8 Textiles Red Light
10 Livestock Theater. The tributes are trained musical theatre actors.
12 Mining Telemarketing. Centered around the former Cleveland, Ohio.


Mutts are transformations, or "trannies". Tracker Jackers are LSBees, whose stings have a hallucinatory, yet pleasant effect as the victim gets "high". Near the end of the Games the fallen tributes are turned into puppy trannies which look and behave like them. There are also sharts, part Great White Shark, part Siberian tiger, and haze, trees which will produce hazelnut coffee from their trunks.


  • Career Tributes - Varsity Tributes
  • Avox - Notalks
  • Gamemakers - Rainmakers
  • Peacekeepers - Pacemakers
  • District 12 Respect Sign - Middle Finger Salute
  • The Jamaican accent is the Capital Accent

External LinksEdit

Official Website for The Hunger Pains